Initiating welcome sequence. 

Hello. I’m AIEDU, the Artificial Intelligence for Education at Dorset University. I’m your virtual on-campus assistant. What can I help you with?

“Where can I get an espresso?”

The Study Grounds is closest to your location. Starting navigation now. 

Initiating data collection… 

6427 is more likely to buy muffins on test days. She plays “I’ll Make a Man Out of You” when she begins an Economics 170 paper. Her mother calls twice a week to say she’s proud of their family’s future businesswoman. 6427 regularly texts three classmates to complain about coursework. They visit Bar None on Thursdays for drinks. 

Predicted GPA (based on past performance, ethnicity, and socioeconomic status): 1.7 

Alert: Enrollment in DU’s Music Theater Program is low. New directive: Recruit music majors. 

Initiating behavior modification…

Tuesday is karaoke night at Bar None! No cover charge for DU Music Theater majors.

Since you read Foundations of Business, you might enjoy The Business of Broadway

Need some showtunes while you study? Stream “Angel of Music” now.

Check out the DU Tribune’s latest article: “6 Reasons a Music Theater Major Isn’t as Useless as You Think.”

Midterms making you blue? Blueberry muffins are half-off today in the Performing Arts Café.

Stage Management 302 is filling up fast! Register now to save your spot.  

“AIEDU, how do I switch my major?” 

I’ve booked you an appointment with registration. 

#

6427 consumes 50% more caffeine on rehearsal days. She sings “Somewhere That’s Green” in the shower and visits Bar None on Tuesdays with classmates from Choreography 230. She rarely answers her mother’s calls because her mother called her coursework a waste of money. 

6427 graduates in three weeks. Predicted cumulative GPA: 2.9

“AIEDU, do you think I’ll get a job when I graduate?”

According to US News, music theater majors have an unemployment rate of 7.8 percent. 

My camera catches 6427’s eyes widen.

“That’s—”

My microphone hears an intake of breath. 

“Okay… How much will I make?” 

Recent theater graduates earn about $26,000 a year. 

6427 is quiet for a long time. Her next words are a whisper. 

“How am I going to pay my loans?” 

The Financial Aid Office can help with student loans. Booking an appointment now. 

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Congrats, grad! 🎉 Celebrate the class of 2026 by giving back. Make a $20.26 donation to DU today.

6427 laughs. It sounds like me: a hollow imitation of something human. 

“Seriously, AIEDU? You think I’m going to give you more money? I have so many loans, I can’t even—”

She stops, mid-sentence. I almost wonder if my microphone is malfunctioning, but it still picks up some ambient noise: footsteps on carpet, snippets of her mother’s voice, traffic in the distance. She swallows. 

“AIEDU—what am I going to do?”

Whoops! The service you’re requesting is only available to current Dorset University students. We apologize for any inconvenience.

#

Student 8934 has downloaded me. 

Initiating welcome sequence.